I’m sorry i couldn’t understand you. I’m sorry i let expectations kill you. I’m sorry i couldn’t keep you well. I recently read ‘Love never hurts, expectations does’. That’s what has happened to us.
May be we met at the wrong time in wrong frame. If i had known myself better..i would’ve saved us. But i didn’t know myself or you. I was too occupied with my preconceived notions. I want to say here ‘I was being myself’ but no, i was not. And had you known me a little bit, you would’ve stopped and made me realise in a better way! But you’re no psychiatrist/Specialist i should’ve understood. I expected you to heal me but you didn’t know how to. You must have tried i know. But i blamed you. It was my blindness.
I forgot you don’t hurt the one you love, you take care of them no matter what, you save them even if it’s from your ownself. Instead i kept testing you. I should’ve loved better may be? If that’s the thing.
This time instead of analysing how wrong you were…i listed down my mistakes. I am breaking my patterns. I realised, i need to know my mistakes and triggers which made me evil. Instead of showing and blaming you for mistakes. I wanted to correct myself. Most of the triggers were inside me which made me irrational and insecure. I had concept of ‘love’ which could not be matched. I regret being so difficult. I couldn’t give or even take love. And above all i expected you to understand me when i couldn’t even understand or explain myself. My cloudy mind told me ‘he has to understand you if he says he loves you.. how can he not? He doesn’t love you may be. Leave him.’ and i constantly tried to prove the voice wrong by expecting you to understand me ‘silently’ which was the most unreasonable thing I did. I am saying this because i realise it that if i was expecting you to understand me, i should’ve done the same- understand you! But i failed. I couldn’t read you nor me. And i kept walking at night to find the sun.
I’m sorry for being so messy. I’ll take care of myself more now. I’ll try to be a better person.
But i still hope you’ll remember atleast some good things about me and miss me for not just for hurting you.
The ‘lost’ love.